Who farted?

During the day I am surrounded by a mish-mash of white liberals among whom is represented the full spectrum of food and environmental allergies known to man. I don't know what it is about being white and liberal that makes one a weakling, unable to eat peanuts, wheat, dairy, and sugar, but man... there must be something there.

As I write I am drinking a smoothie, usually one of my most favorite activities, in honor of a coworker who is finishing her 152nd year working for the company. The smoothie I grabbed is called "Mango Mania" which initially excited me until I took my first big mouthful and noticed something was wrong. It was grainy, without flavor, had an inconsistent texture... whatever could be the matter? Then I saw it, inked on the side: "Non-dairy: Soy"

SOY.

I felt violated, dirty even. Like I'd been cuffed by a Birkenstock wearing patchouli drinker and made to listen to a 2-hour lecture on globalization and corporate elitism. Why soy? The smoothie was called "Mango Mania" which I assumed meant mashed up mangos, sugar, and a little apple juice.

I was so shaken up by the whole affair that I went back to get a different one. The woman managing the smoothie table saw me eyeing the wares and spoke up, "We only have a couple non-dairy smoothies left, the rest have... milk products." The way she said "milk products" was the way a good white person says the 'N-word' amongst proper company, hushed and under her breath. How can a supposed food allergy that only affects a tiny percentage of people plague nearly 75% of these folks? What gives?

I think that we've reached a point in our social evolution where we don't really have anything to worry about anymore; the lions are kept at bay, dental problems no longer kill us in our 20s, and our wars occur in far-away lands. This leaves us free to invent all types of funny little problems to keep us busy.

Think about the next person you meet who has a collection of food allergies, really think about them. Smell the Purrell, look at their pale skin, stay away from their sick looking unvaccinated kids and know this: their world is one of mystery and danger, chemicals permeate their food and air, they have big ideas but little buy-in. They voted for Obama and their Volvo is low on gas. Know them, know them well, and then cut a wide swath around them.