No Lycra No

I was riding up Mt. Galbraith the other day when I passed a couple dudes fully decked out in skin-tight lycra pants which are ironically gayer looking than lycra shorts even though they cover more skin. Whats the deal? No one, and I mean no one looks good in lycra bike shorts/pants. Take a girl with a perfect butt and put her in chamois padded lycra shorts and boom, you have an instant gremlin. Imagine, if you can, what happens to an average female body in lycra... such dark thoughts keep me from sleeping at night. My worst nightmare become real would be following an average girl on an uphill climb and never being able to pass her, and yet not being able to fall behind, always just 'there' stuck behind that most terrible sight.

Dudes aren't any better. Unfortunately when I passed those two guys the other day I vomited all over my handlebars and fork, but fortunately enough dripped onto the which trail caused them to slip and fall thus alleviating the risk of them passing me later on.

Lycra is the reason mountain biking has not hit the mainstream in a bigger way. The mental image of a 125 pound nitwit in a full neon lycra get-up, adams apple sticking out past his nose, wheezing up a hill through a deviated septum is not a picture of health or popularity. For shame... it shouldn't be so. These days we have cool looking, technical bike clothes, stuff you would feel good wearing off the bike as well as on the mountain.

To those who would accuse me of vanity let me say this: if appearance doesn't matter why not walk around with a tube sock around your junk? Or for the women, why not just go naked? All-natural! If image doesn't matter don't shave ladies, grow gardens in those armpits! Surely image does matter so stop embarrassing the rest of us with your 80s' get-ups. Some images you just can't 'un-see'.