Candles in the dark

"Would you invite astrologers to speak at your astronomy meeting?"

-Spoken by a fellow coworker when presented with the idea of having chiropractors visit the office to administer blood pressure and cholesteral screenings.

Its nice to hear some sanity in the midst of all the health related bullshit out there.

whatcha on about boy?

The Good People:

Garbage Collectors:
You guys (and girls who look like guys) regularly collect our filth and refuse. Your profession keeps our homes and institutions free from festering trash and horrible diseases. People may look down on you, they may say any trained Chimpanzee could do your job, and they would be right... but you are still important! Without you society would simply rot. You should get paid more.

Doctors:
Your knowledge of medical science heals the lame and allows the blind to see. Hell, you guys alleviate more pain on a daily basis than any Jewish carpenter and you don't even get worshipped! I know you get a lot of crap from all those patients who self-diagnosed their genius selves on Web MD but keep your heads held high, you'll get the last laugh when they come crawling back leaking organic coffee from their back-ends. Oh, and I know med school was expensive but I don't really think you should get paid more; I know the 2010 BMW 7-series looks nice, but stick with your M3 for another year. Rough I know, but the economy is down and we all must make sacrifices.

Missed Connections People on Craigslist:
Your endless optimism makes my days just a little brighter. Sure, I've been there, seen a hot chick in the supermarket or on the beach, but I never thought to post an anonymous add on the Internet pleading for her to answer back. But you guys do just that! It doesn't matter that she didn't see you staring at her ass for a half-hour while she enjoyed a picnic with her boyfriend in the park, it doesn't matter that shes never actually heard of Craigslist, it doesn't even matter that you look like a grown up version of Chunk from 'The Goonies'. She'll respond, she really will.

The still, small voice

Sometimes I forget what its like to know people who so strongly believe in things they cannot see that they would kill to feed their convictions. Though I was once a faith-head I wasn't ever a very good one, I just never found belief in the unseen and unreasonable very easy. I was born with, as they say, stiff knees. However I lived in a very homogeneous community which prided itself upon a conservative understanding of the Bible and politics in general.

When you grow up 'knowing' certain things, like that the emperor of the Cosmos was born from a human virgin, or that the most educated biologists in the world could be debated under a table by a 10 year old armed only with the book of Genesis, nothing is out of bounds, nothing is too crazy, how could it be? The types of things you are supposed to believe strain credulity like a tightly pulled rubber band; it doesn't take much to snap.

I suppose that is what happened a couple days ago when a man walked into a Sunday church service, identified his target, George Tiller a doctor known for performing abortions, pulled out a gun and shot him point-blank in the face. Eye-witness accounts say that multiple people, including Dr. Tiller's wife pleaded with the killer before he shot but to no avail, his hatred and blind fervor was too strong.

The killer, whose name is inconsequential, is ideologically no different than the Muslim terrorists killing civilians and foreign contractors in Iraq, absolutely no different. Both feel that they are doing god's will and are beyond the persuasion of reason. Both hold fast to ideas that are incompatible with modern society and as a result both should be eliminated. Those who would say the death penalty is no different than murder should speak to Dr. Tiller's wife and see if their bullshit flies. The death penalty is what we exact upon individuals who cannot live in society without deliberately harming or killing those around them, it is a decision not taken lightly and not fueled by passion, it is a last resort that we employ against only the worst of humans.

A big problem remains though, the seed which caused this killing still exists: faith. In my mind nothing is more dangerous, faith is the reason I write this whole stupid blog: making fun of people who believe irrational ideas is an outlet. The mechanism of belief is a different matter though, and fortunately brain scientists have been isolating what makes some people more gullible, or willing to believe than others. In the meantime, we might as well make fun of the innocuous faithers and stand against the dangerous ones.

Who farted?

During the day I am surrounded by a mish-mash of white liberals among whom is represented the full spectrum of food and environmental allergies known to man. I don't know what it is about being white and liberal that makes one a weakling, unable to eat peanuts, wheat, dairy, and sugar, but man... there must be something there.

As I write I am drinking a smoothie, usually one of my most favorite activities, in honor of a coworker who is finishing her 152nd year working for the company. The smoothie I grabbed is called "Mango Mania" which initially excited me until I took my first big mouthful and noticed something was wrong. It was grainy, without flavor, had an inconsistent texture... whatever could be the matter? Then I saw it, inked on the side: "Non-dairy: Soy"

SOY.

I felt violated, dirty even. Like I'd been cuffed by a Birkenstock wearing patchouli drinker and made to listen to a 2-hour lecture on globalization and corporate elitism. Why soy? The smoothie was called "Mango Mania" which I assumed meant mashed up mangos, sugar, and a little apple juice.

I was so shaken up by the whole affair that I went back to get a different one. The woman managing the smoothie table saw me eyeing the wares and spoke up, "We only have a couple non-dairy smoothies left, the rest have... milk products." The way she said "milk products" was the way a good white person says the 'N-word' amongst proper company, hushed and under her breath. How can a supposed food allergy that only affects a tiny percentage of people plague nearly 75% of these folks? What gives?

I think that we've reached a point in our social evolution where we don't really have anything to worry about anymore; the lions are kept at bay, dental problems no longer kill us in our 20s, and our wars occur in far-away lands. This leaves us free to invent all types of funny little problems to keep us busy.

Think about the next person you meet who has a collection of food allergies, really think about them. Smell the Purrell, look at their pale skin, stay away from their sick looking unvaccinated kids and know this: their world is one of mystery and danger, chemicals permeate their food and air, they have big ideas but little buy-in. They voted for Obama and their Volvo is low on gas. Know them, know them well, and then cut a wide swath around them.

Acupuncture: people will believe anything

Heres a tip for dealing with your liberal white friends: if you'd like to convince them of the efficacy of a practice tie it to the mystical land of Asia. Liberals will buy into ANY health practice as long as it comes from the orient, and can be represented with Chinese characters. Bonus points are awarded if the practice is thousands of years old because surely anything thats been around forever must be true!

A recent article posted in the "Archives of Internal Medicine" describes the results of a double-blind study comparing the effectiveness of 'expertly' applied acupuncture with proper needles to acupuncture with randomly applied toothpicks. I'm pleased to see that the media has picked up on the study even though the findings, that acupuncture is no more effective than randomly being poked with toothpicks, isn't surprising.

Though cynical by nature I am still endlessly surprised at the types of quackery people will throw their money at in the name of health, as if the human body was some kind of mysterious entity that must be assuaged by magic. If I was smart I would have gotten involved with the whole organic-wholistic-alternative health movement a longtime ago and would be raking in the big bucks now. But no, I had to work in science. TONS of money in that decision...

Not so bad really

I've got my suspension locked out and my weight out over the front bars; I'm riding hard making stop lights, skirting the morning zombies trudging into coffee shops and monstrous garbage collecting trucks attempting to block my way. Its raining hard, so hard that my mouth half ajar from physical exertion is acting as a kind of water catchment system. Soon I'm on the coastal road, greeted with views of the bay and its islands held captive within a voluminous grey blanket of cloud and rain. I've decided that the strong greens and greys of spring are not a bad mix; experience has changed my mind, or perhaps nostalgia did the trick. Some of my best rides have been colored in grey and green, my best memories.

Look at the humans, what are they doing?

My daily commute takes me through downtown Bellingham, a place that is a true grab-bag of people types. You've got your homeless people who carry on conversations with firehydrants and parking meters, hipster boys and girls who both apparently want to look like Audrey Hepburn, insecure teenagers hanging out in groups smoking and wearing black clothes, hippies doing their hippy stuff, angry lesbians driving their Subaru Foresters, and paranoid suburban Moms repeatedly punching the door-lock button on their SUVs while they wait for the street light.

I often feel like an alien anthropologist as I observe the goings-on amongst the humans. I try to understand why they are doing whatever it is they are doing. Why, for example, does that skinny male human wear such tight pants with an elaborate shirt/scarf combination? It appears he must have spent at least an hour perfecting his hairdo, but to what end? Is he trying to attract a female human companion? A male companion?

And why is it that the humans who dress similar to each other tend to group together? Perhaps they wish to reinforce some group solidarity, maybe the drive is tribal; they wish to compete against other similar-dressing human groups for the rights to street corners or for 'respect'.

The other day I saw a few humans carrying leather bound books corner a solitary male and attempt to tell him the truth about the universe. He was, according to their book, lost and needed salvation and if he didn't heed their words he was in grave, eternal danger!

I've concluded that the humans are a strange species, and that downtown is a great place to study them in their natural habitat. What motivates them seems to be a dialectic of sorts; on one hand they seem to be responding to their biolgical nature, seeking mates and fighting enemies, but they also have constructed intricate identies for themselves based upon the clothing they wear, the ideas they believe, and their personal insecurities.